Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
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you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
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She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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