So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
