did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
