Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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