I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
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Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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