White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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