I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
