I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Randomize
