i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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