The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
