you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
