omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
