Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
