In the future we'll all be gay
Four minutes until I can fart!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
