i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
