Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
