Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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