I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
