Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize