WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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