No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
