Ambien. No doubt about it.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
