My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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