Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
