I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
