2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
