The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
