apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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