At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
