never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
