I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I want her autograph on my taint
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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