I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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