90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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