mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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