I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
