My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
