I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
