I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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