Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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