I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
They have beer where we have blood.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize