So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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