Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
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Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
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But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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