Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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