You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
