Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
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Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
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Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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