Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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