Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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