He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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