fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
