I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think I have vodka in my lungs
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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