His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
