If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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