I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt