Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
