just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize