Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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