Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
